And then something clicked.

So I have been plodding along, half arsed really.  I am telling myself that I am eating OK and that I am getting to the gym.  That the pain from my back/Neck and up coming operation are holding me back.

I went off to my Palliates class on Sunday.  So many people rave about Palliates and I must admit I had only turned up for one class previously.   The instructor "Darren" was nothing like I had expected.  I am not really sure what I expected but just not "Darren".  Sure he is urber fit but he was well blokey with a bit of surfer and Zen all thrown in together.

When I went last time.  I was at the start of my 12 week challenge and was just focused on burning calories and Palliates isn't a calorie burner.  I love the class! its an amazing stretch & balancing class for your body.  So I thought "What have a got to loose?"  Its good for my back blah blah blah and truth be told, I just can't push myself at the moment and have probably been "Too kind" for a while because when I push myself my body throws such a tantrum that even with the slightest niggle now, I just can't do it.

My class went well.  So many moves I couldn't do others surprised me that my flexibility came out of now where but what surprised me the most. Was, well he was so caring and got off the stage and showed me different moves to do to help me and actually listened to me when I explained how feed up I am with this pain.

Well he went all Zen on me and told me that only I am holding myself back.  I didn't get it a first.  I was angry to be honest.  Here was this urber fit, cricket playing, football loving guy telling me that I am holding myself back!.  He has no idea what I am going through!

But it was true;  While I am searching for answers to my back problems - I have lost focus of my goals and what good I have already done.  I have become so hard on myself that I am "Holding myself back".

So we sat for 30 mins or so going through setting up my goals again.  Talking about other exercises I should try. Because clearly the ones I am doing now are not working or are stopping me from getting better.  Lots of positive talk needs to go back into my head.  As a women we are so busy peeping up our children, partners and friends etc and forgetting to focus on what we have done good today.

He wants me to see his back crunching guy (eek!) more money. However, he swears that this guy has some kind of ability to know just what needs to be done and how long it will take.  What have I got to loose?

So I came home and felt all emotional after our conversation.  He was right,  even thought I thought I had been very positive during this year and during my weight loss things have slipped with that taking my goals away.  The challenges are new ones like getting through my operation, Christmas and staying on track for next year.  So far we agreed that my long term goal is 57kgs by the 23rd June 2011.  That will be my 42nd birthday.  It seems so achievable.  nearly 7 months to loose 20 kilos.  Too easy!  Well it is when I break it down to little mountains and not that big one that I keep slipping off for the past few months.

I am still around 77.5kgs.   Been stuck there for a while now.  Today I am OK with it.  Yesterday was a different story but I can't go back to yesterday and change things.  So I will do well today to make tomorrow easier.